What a product. I want a pair. I want several. But apparently (and I've investigated this thoroughly) they're no longer available to purchase. Massive massive boo. That'd pretty much be the dream brief though wouldn't it? 'Go advertise Chuck Norris Action Jeans'. Awesome!
This wonderous discovery reminded me to dig it out 'The Truth About Chuck Norris'. Compiled by Ian Spector, it's a pocket-sized book listing dozens of certified factoids about the main man. And I'd like to take this opportunity to share some of them:
"Every cell in Chuck Norris' body has it's own beard."
"Chuck Norris once ejaculated pure gold into a river in India."
"Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried."
"Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas."
"In 1978 NASA declared Chuck Norris' left testicle as the tenth planet of the solar system."
"Chuck Norris' moustache once strangled an entire Vietnamese village."
"Chuck Norris is so clever Stephen Hawking stood up to bow down to him."
"Chuck Norris has a penis so long that he was the first Olympic athlete to win gold medal at pole vault without the use of a pole."
"Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear."
"Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves."
"Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change."
"Before the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."
"Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. He won the lottery later that day."
"Chuck Norris' pooh is used as currency in Argentina."
"Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. Shortly thereafter they were renamed The Islands."
"Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of 'beard'. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Chuck Norris, used their combined influence to have him omitted from the Bible, Shorty thereafter, all three died in roundhouse kick-related deaths."
"As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history."
"The original title for 'Alien vs Predator' was 'Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris'. The film was cancelled shortly after going into pre-production. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long."
"Chuck Norris once appeared on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was first to spin. The next twenty-nine minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop."
"When The Incredible Hulk gets angry he turns into Chuck Norris."
"Chuck Norris once got a boner whilst lying face down and struck oil."
"The Jihadists are annoyed because they can no longer promise their recruits seventy-three virgins in heaven. the best they can promise is seventy-three women who've already had sex with Chuck Norris."
"Mr.T once defeated Chuck Norris at a game of tic-tac-toe. In retaliation Chuck Norris invented Racism."
"Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked cancer so hard it got AIDS."
Right, that'll do. I could go on and on and on and on as they're all utterly amaaaaaaazing!
BUY. THIS. BOOK!
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